I know it’s not him. Really, I do.
I don’t need you all worrying about my mental state, thank you.
And yet, there he is.
Halfway down the aisle, staring at the rows upon rows of crackers and snacks.
His mom obviously sent him to find something on her list, her way of letting him be a bit “big” while still accompanying her to the grocery store. He’s at that age when kids need to break free just a wee little bit — and being sent on an errand to the other side of the grocery store is only as far as a mom can bear to let him go.
He looks like he’s probably 11 years old, 12 at most. Long, lanky arms and legs that probably grew longer since he entered this store. I know how the mind of a boy that age works. It’s highly likely that while he initially remembered what brand and type of cracker his mom wanted, those details have now been replaced with the memory of a funny YouTube video or an idea for a brilliant new Minecraft build.
And so he stares at the cracker section.
As I move closer to him, his momentary trance snaps and he glances up at me, then scoots apologetically to the side to make room for my cart.
Nope. He’s not my boy.
I wanted it to be him. Just for a day, maybe just for one shopping trip.
I have shopped in this grocery store several times a week since he was 2 years old. Endless conversations about dinosaurs or books or Legos have taken place between these four walls. He charmed the cashiers from the very beginning, and his attempts to teach strangers waiting in line about which dinosaurs lived in which prehistoric periods were always met with a smile.
And when he got older, I would send him off to hunt down something on my list. It made him feel big — bigger than his little sister, who then took over the business of the endless conversation.
And this boy standing right here feels like a ghost to me. Like someone rewound the reel of a long-lost episode of my life. I remember my son so well at that age, but as he grows farther away from being 11 or 12 or even 16 I find those memories grab me at unexpected times, filling me with emotions that aren’t usually on the surface.
I wonder where the time went.
My boy shops at the grocery store hundreds of miles away from here these days. All by himself.
Pretty sure he isn’t chatting up the other customers or teaching the cashiers about dinosaurs these days.
I haven’t seen him in three months.
He’s coming home tomorrow.
And I just might invite him along on a grocery store run. But I won’t be sending him all over the store to collect crackers and paper towels and baby carrots.
Because I would love an endless conversation with my boy right now.