To an Old Friend

Dear Body,

I am writing to let you know that you are letting me down.  You are not holding up your end of this bargain we entered into almost 46 years ago.  I am not one to shame and to blame, but here are the facts as I see them.

The skin that miraculously stretched (and then stretched some more) to accommodate baby #1 and baby #2 has decided that it will stretch no more.  Now it has decided to sag, especially around my knees.  Not that knees are very beautiful in the first place, but they are especially eye-catching when they have saggy skin on top of them.  And not in a good way.

Fine print on the television screen no longer appears as letters or numbers, but rather a squiggly, white blob.  I can squint and maybe make out a few words, but squinting contributes to other problems (see below).  A bigger television set would mean completely replacing the entertainment center….$$$$$.  I guess I could just wear my glasses, but they make me look old.  OK, look older.

My face has started to resemble a road map.  Actually, I guess it’s more of a topographical map, complete with all of the waterways and valleys.  The area around my eyes has many little rivers and tributaries, which I am sure are made worse by the squinting to make out the fine print on the television set (see above).  The valleys that extend from my nose down towards my chin are referred to by dermatologists as “parentheses”, in an attempt to make them seem more benign.  Some mornings, when I look in the mirror I expect to see a word between them, like my face has turned into an English paper.

The latest curve you have thrown at me is unruly eyebrows.  My hair is naturally wavy, which can be a good thing on top of your head.  Not on your eyebrows.  If I trim them back, I risk bald spots that will need to be filled in with pencil or sharpie pen.  If I leave them alone, they resemble what my hubby calls “Senator eyebrows”.  Look at those old guys next time you watch CNN.  You’ll see what I mean.

I have chronic bursitis/tendonitis in my hips which prevents me from running a marathon.  OK, I didn’t really want to run one anyway, but it’s easier to blame you.

Was it something I did to cause you to rebel? 

I apologize for the brief addiction to Diet Pepsi in the early 80’s, for the late nights and greasy cafeteria food in college, and for the years when I didn’t exercise at all.  I’m sorry for the hours spent by the backyard pool, sizzling myself in baby oil.  Maybe I didn’t appreciate you enough when you weren’t causing me any problems.

Is it too late for us?  Can we move forward together in partnership?  Or will I be fighting you every step of the way going forward?

I would love to be partners again and make this work out.  Speaking of working out, maybe you and I can hit the treadmill this afternoon.  Or get an iced mocha at Starbucks……


  1. This was a great read! Funny and very accurate. I am with you. Although, I'm a little scared being 9 years younger and all… and already noticing these things.

  2. Ha, ha! This is really great! I'm in my thirties but I already have thought about late night McD's runs in college and the sun tan stuff! And tell your husband the senator eyebrows is NOT a very nice thing to say!

  3. ~Shelley~ says:

    I feel ya girl! I just turned 40…and things are going downhill..or just down! I say just go for the Starbucks 🙂

    Visiting from Follow Me Back Tuesday…I'm now following! Love for you to come visit and follow me!

    Have a great night,
    Shelley @ Shelley's Swag

  4. Staycee says:

    Thanks for joining FMBT
    I am now following you back 🙂
    Staycee ( Survey Junkie )

  5. ♥Yaya's Mommy ♥ says:

    Thank you so much for following me at Follow Me Back Friday. Happy Tuesday
    Cindi @ Little Yayas

  6. I SOOOOO feel ya!

    Stopping by from Follow Me Back Tuesday to let you know I'm following you now & to thank you so much for your participation!

  7. joeandbridge says:

    Hi! I'm popping in from Follow Me Back Tuesday. I'm your newest follower! Hope you can swing by my blog! Have a great day!

    Groschen Goblins

  8. Genevieve says:

    I loved this! I'm not liking getting older so much, I always thought I'd be good with it, but I'm not.

    Is that you in the photo? Amazing, if it is!

    a few years ago, I tried to do a round off to show my girls how to add one to their cartwheels…as I achieved upside-down status, I wildly realized that my arms could not support my weight! Horrible feeling with your head inches from the ground…I made it out of the move, very awkwardly, just glad I hadn't broken something.

    I forgot I was old there.

  9. Essie the Accidental Mommy says:

    Lol, what a great post!

    Ok, but nothing I ever did in my past justifies the gray hairs there. You know, THERE.

    Hmm, maybe that's questionable. I better stop thinking about it.

  10. Dr. Heckle says:

    LOL! Time is definitely against us!

  11. Mr Monkey says:

    Very witty & funny.Nice job
    Mr monkey