Ode to my Butt

We have been through so much together, you and me.

In my much younger days, you were perkier and less lumpy. A fitting end to my giraffe-like legs that were also free of lumps and bumps, veins and baggy parts.

In college, you were made for 501’s and not much else. I could eat and eat, once cramming in 11 pizza burgers in the college cafeteria, and you wouldn’t change a bit.

When babies came along, you and I spent hours sitting on the couch nursing, burping, and holding sleeping little angels. I appreciated your cushiness, while I may have cursed the lumps and bumps that were taking over.

Little ones love to be read to, which again necessitated hours of sitting. I was thankful that you weren’t bony and uncomfortable, even as I realized that you were also no longer firm or perky. Soft, even.

As I approach 50 in a few short years you and I aren’t as close as we once were. When I spend long hours sitting on you, you balk just a bit and send pain shooting out towards my hips. When I attempt to get up from sitting on the floor for more that 5 minutes, you send waves of pain down my right bun, and laugh at me for almost falling down.

The one pair of 501’s that I still own seem oddly baggy in the seat.

Dr. Oz says I need to do squats, eat more protein, and buy “butt pads” with special underwear to hold them in. He had a whole special on the other night geared towards the Over 40 Woman.

Ugh.

So all I ask of you, dear Gluteus Maximus, is that we enter this new phase of our lives together in some sort of harmony.

  • I will agree to stop dressing you up in low-rise jeans if you will promise to stop drooping.
  • I promise to skip the polyester pants if you will make an effort to remain somewhat shapely (at least in Spanx).
  • I promise to appreciate the fact that there are muscles under all those lumps and bumps, and will do my best to find them once in a while, either on a hiking trail, a bike, or a long walk. But not running.
  • I will try harder to watch what I eat if you will forgive the occasional Double-Double at In-N-Out.

Can we do it? Can we find peace with each other? Because the way I look at it, we are stuck with each other, you and me. And until medical science comes up with a proper way to transplant butts, that’s just the way it will be.

Well, that and the fact that Jennifer Aniston probably won’t be willing to give hers up.

 

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Comments

  1. SurferWife says:

    This scares me. SCARES ME. The lump and bumps are appearing at an alarming rate now. So you tell me next that it's going to start HURTING me, too?

  2. Not Just Another Jennifer says:

    LOL! I made a disturbing discovery about my backside a couple of months ago. When I was young, I was SKINNY. I had no butt, at all. I would sit on my guy friends' laps and they would ask me to move because my bony butt hurt them. Then I got older and gained weight. And most of it was in my belly. And then I got pregnant. And I started bumping into things with my butt. Because suddenly, I HAD ONE. It was so weird. Difficult to get used to. And now I have such a big booty, that a couple of months ago, I was with a friend in the bathroom and suddenly the automated hand dryer started…because my butt was so big it set it off from a distance. πŸ™

  3. Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points says:

    My butt is also known as "manifest destiny," given its proclivity towards territorial expansion.

  4. Julie Hedlund says:

    Okay I laughed out loud when I saw the title and the post itself didn't disappoint. Let us know if your butt cooperates!

  5. Just Plain Tired says:

    You know, not everyone wants to compromise with an ass. (And please take that the right way) πŸ˜‰

  6. I think these are all very fair, reasonable compromises. I hope you and your butt find a middle ground soon. πŸ™‚

  7. The Blogging Goddess says:

    I am so with you. My butt hangs down around the back of my knees. Can't do anything about it either. Just lift it up to sit.

  8. Dude, I hate Dr. Oz. That dude is a schmo.

  9. I'm proud to say that my wife thinks I've still got a ghetto booty. It's a little dimplier than it used to be, but it's still sizable.

  10. Sigh, my butt has been following me since high school. It has gotten a bit wider over the years. If your contract works out, let me know. I'll see if I can convince my butt to cooperate.

  11. you seriously have a talent of making me laugh out loud.

  12. All I have to say is I love my Spanx.
    πŸ˜‰

  13. Haha!! I guess this is a glimpse into my future πŸ™‚

  14. Baby got back.

    I'm talking about me, by the way.

  15. Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds says:

    I'm going to have nightmares after reading this. Special butt holding underwear? The horror!

  16. Aging Mommy says:

    My worst issues are nothing to do with age and all to do with pregnancy impact. The wider hips, bigger feet and the stomach that will never ever be flat again because there is all this excess skin draped around it!

  17. Getrealmommy says:

    I love this post. I did a very similar one about my stomach a year ago. We think alike. http://getrealmama.blogspot.com/2009/11/dear-tummy.html

  18. I can't even look at my butt anymore. It makes me want to cry!

    Great post!

  19. that's one hot ass. mine has seen the 'secretary slide' in recent years. because i sit so. damm. much. I should listen to Dr. Oz.

  20. Booyah's Momma says:

    I hear you on the cushiness factor! But can you imagine how uncomfortable sitting must be for those people that actually have buns of steel? Personally, I'd rather sit on cush than steel any day.

    At least that's what I keep telling myself.

  21. Melissa (Confessions of a Dr. Mom) says:

    Oh, the butt. Always the first to give us trouble. So funny Sherri, love it.

  22. LOL! I don't think you're making any unreasonable requests from the tush. Let us know how that all goes!

  23. Middle Aged Dreamer says:

    Love it love it. I am thinking we should unionize, take the contract to Butt Management and force them to agreeing to it. After all, they don't exist without us? Right?

  24. Mrs.Mayhem says:

    I would take Dr.Oz's advice if he were a woman over forty. But he isn't, by a long shot.

    All the exercise and protein in the world will not return my butt to it's former glory. It's moved on. Literally.

  25. I love it!! Let me know if your butt listens to your requests and then I'll start working on mine.

    So funny, Sherri!