Something’s Got to Change

It’s become a pattern, an annoying part of my personality that follows me into middle age, whether I am conscious of it or not.

Starting over.

Every new year, the first of every month, every Monday and even just every morning I feel my brain saying it.

A fresh start.

A new day to be a better person, get more done, exercise, eat right, be kind, read a book, visit a friend, help someone in need, clean something or accomplish a nagging to-do-list task. It doesn’t matter whether I face a crazy day of students and freelance work until the wee hours near bedtime, or if it’s a lighter day when I could really grab some relaxing time.

My brain just tells me it will be different.

Better.

And I seize the hours at the beginning of the “new” with great intentions – full of energy, caffeine and the attitude that I can take on the world.

The clock continues to tick away the minutes and hours, no faster or slower than before.

But I feel the loss of time as it slides out the door. Time I won’t get back.

Ever.

At the end of the new day/new week/fresh new month I feel the same way.

Like I didn’t show up. Like I sat on the bench, watching the game from the sidelines.

Put me in coach – I’m ready to play.

This time I have to make some changes – before this amazing and wonderful life I have been gifted just slips like sand through my fingers.

I am going to try to work smarter, play harder, laugh more and slow down a wee little bit.

Middle-age is a cruel BFF. She energizes me one day and defeats me the next. I am not finished parenting but I haven’t started to care for my parents yet. My body is changing but my mind is still young. My young friends make me laugh and yearn to have been born a decade later.

But then I wouldn’t have what I have.

And what I have here in my tiny piece of the world is pretty damn awesome.

I’m just on a mission to make it even more awesome.

Stay tuned.

Comments

  1. OH I identify with this so much, being 43 with two 5 yr olds is an interesting place to be. My two best friends are in their 30’s (both 7 years younger than me) and you’re right, they keep me sane and keep me wishing for a time machine.

    I just want you to know that I related to everything you wrote..from the sleepy one day, to “Let’s take on the world” the next. It is actually helpful to know I’m not the only one feeling this way.

    I know GOOD, amazing things are coming for both of us.
    xo

  2. I do this, too. I want to be more proactive and deliberate, but I tear ahead and then lag back. I think you’re pretty awesome already, so I can’t wait to see what your “more awesome” looks like 🙂

  3. Yes.

    I think of how actually, it is good I’m born when I’ve been born. Because I know me, and the are things that would have been to hard to turn away from, and my kids were little.

    When my kids were little, it was simpler. Something I could focus, and nothing else called my name.

    Now: such temptations, such instant answers to loneliness and isolation. Back then: there was just me, and my boys.

    And that’s all someone like me could have handled then.

    xo

  4. I love you and your words so very much!

    Every day is a new opportunity, but there really is something about Mondays, huh?

  5. I’m a starting-over-kinda gal myself. At least we have hope. Middle age can’t kill that. (Can it?)

  6. I’m having a similar conversation with myself. It’s time to begin, is what keeps going ’round this brain of mine.

    Good luck!

  7. wonderful writing, sherri. i couldn’t agree more – i feel like i’ve found myself in this place often. i find myself there regularly.

    i’m excited to hear what you have in store!

  8. I just saw a commercial that talked about how Julia Child wrote her first cookbook in her 50s, another woman ran her first marathon at 51, etc. Having just turned 40 and still not sure what I want to be when I grow up, I was intrigued.

    Then I realized the commercial was for AARP. Not sure how I felt about that 🙂

  9. Sherri,
    I am your new twitter friend/mommy blogger from Minnesota and came over to check out your blog…I LOVE this piece! I, too, am a forty-something mom of 2 teens (and we threw in 2 more who are 11 and 8). I love how you describe middle age as a cruel BFF…so very true! I can relate all of what you wrote! Thanks for putting it out there!