Got Trends?

I love magazines.

Love them.

They’re like that cute guy who works at In-N-Out Burger. You see him once a month; he’s all glossy and perfect, and there’s no big commitment. No long conversations; nothing that requires too much thinking.

I’ll have a Double-Double with cheese and a chocolate shake.

Not like a novel. Now there’s a true commitment.

My daughter subscribes to In Style because when you’re on the verge of teenagerdom? You like all things stylish.

When you’re rapidly approaching 50 and have never been a style icon?

You do what you can.

Here are some of the latest tips from In Style and how I’ve incorporated them into my daily life:

Nude lips/nude nails When the style icons say nude, they really mean makeup that you cake painstakingly apply to provide the appearance that you have no makeup on. Which sounds like an awful lot of extra effort and cost when I already rock the nude lips and nails almost every day. And when I say nude, I mean there’s nothing there. Either my favorite $1 lip-gloss has worn off for the fifteenth time or I gave up and left it at home. And my fingernails haven’t seen actual colored polish since Madonna wore jelly bracelets and all my shirts had shoulder pads.

Tousled hair I have a lot of hair, and I’ve been admonished that I keep it rather long for a woman nearing 50 of my age. One might think I would be all about the styling products/trends. The reality of all this hair is that even the slightest wind blows it all over the place like some sort of funky modern art sculpture. So while I may leave the house each morning looking sleek with a slight curl at the ends, after five minutes? It’s a freakin’ mess tousled. Which apparently is a trend.

Color that “pops” The trend now is to have one “pop” of color, something unexpected that makes people notice you. Think bright yellow pumps with a black dress or orange nail polish on your toes. My “pop” is my incredibly fluorescent-white skin. It’s got a Casper the Friendly Ghost quality to it that people notice. And by notice, I mean they offer me a chair to sit down in and ask if I feel faint.

Faux Fur Every fall, fur seems to be on trend. Oh, it has to be faux fur though, lest the PETA people start throwing things at you. Fur shows up on collars of jackets, cuffs on sweaters, even on purses. I am a big wearer of the fur, but I have to tell you it’s not faux. But before you judge me or send hate email, I will tell you that the animal who grew the fur? She is alive and well, sleeping on my feet right now. You just haven’t been trendy until every article of clothing you own is covered in yellow lab fur.

Two-tone hair I have had this trend down for years now. The trick is to let your hair-color appointment go unbooked for just a wee bit too long. Then, when you finally call the stylist she has no.openings.for.three.weeks. And when I sport that dark brown/black/white/gray stripe down the center of my otherwise auburn head? Apparently I am rockin’ a trend, baby.

Please don’t let anyone tell you that the older woman can’t rock the trends of the younger crowd.

We’ve been doing it already.

Trend Setter

Trends.

They aren’t just for the trendy.

If they were, someone like me wouldn’t have had experience with huge shoulder pads, leggings, high-waist jeans, stirrup pants, headbands, leg warmers, or Flashdance-inspired sweatshirts with the collars cut out.

Because I’m not trendy.

I’m the kind of old person who has to see a trend in action for at least six months before I start to think hey, I could do that.

Or most likely there’s no way in hell I’ll wear that.

It took months of coaxing by my way-younger sister-in-law for me to stop tucking in my shirts a few years back.

And now? People are tucking them in again, which confuses the heck out of me.

I fell in love with boot cut jeans because I actually wear boots a lot.

Enter the skinny jean craze.

I finally caved and bought one pair of skinny jeans that I tuck my boots into. That was a big trendy step for me.

What amazes me about fashion trends is that at the time you are wearing a trend you feel like you look awesome; possibly even timeless.

So why is it that twenty years later, when you see yourself in pictures, that you look ridiculous?

There’s nothing timeless about huge shoulder pads, spiral perms, or stirrup pants with flats.

So what am I doing right now that I’ll cringe about in ten years?

Could it be the $1 lipgloss in a shade called Watermelon that I’m addicted to?

The sweaters without sleeves that my hubs loathes?

The overwhelming amount of black clothing that I seem to rotate through each week?

It can’t be. Black goes with everything and it’s so slimming.

Right?

Whatever it is, I am apparently powerless to change it.

And I’m pretty sure boot cut jeans are making a comeback.

So apparently?

I’m timeless.